Sunday 29th – 31st August 2021
*Warning! The following post may ruin your life. Reader discretion is advised.
“Oh, look George,” said Henrietta. “What a lovely place to start a family.” She clapped her hands together, her cheeks pulling tight as she looked over the humble abode.
George draped his arm around her shoulders, kissed her cheek, and said he would start the renovations that very moment.
They found the camper to be very warm and spacious, a mansion that made them the envy of the town. All too soon they realized all this space was wasted on just them two and invited family to come stay.
For a time, life was good for this family. Parties every night, food a plenty. But then it happened, the day of reckoning had come in the form of a Jack Russel.
*Henrietta’s cousin twice removed, had this to say: “She was always kind to everyone. Wanted to share her spoils with family and friends.” The cousin smiles fondly at the memory. “I remember when she found a crust of bread and she brought it to me to help her eat as it was too much for her alone. I was starving, hadn’t eaten a morsel in weeks! And she just came and saved my life.” The cousin breaks down, shielding her eyes with her hands. “I’m sorry,” her voice breaks. “I still can’t believe she’s gone.”
When the police arrived, they were shocked at what they saw.
*Police Chief Mousington: “In my 24-month career, I’ve never seen something so horrific as this. It was like a scene from Dexter. Plastic sheeting taped to the walls, and just as we got there, this oversized bohemian came in to carry the bodies away, like they were nothing! I couldn’t believe it.” The chief takes a deep breath, his gaze distant. “And then it happened. That monster, all dressed in white with this manic look in his eyes, his teeth glinting through his sly grin.” He sighs. “Not all my men made it out in time.”
In case you didn’t catch on, I’m telling the story about Patrick, the great mouser.
I think I have issues…
Alright, moving on!
So, this campsite turned out to be rather boring. We learnt the local’s favourite pastime was watching corn grow. Which was fine for the first second or two, but even that became a little tedious for us. We like to do more exciting things like pick at our nails and say absolutely nothing to each other because we spend 24/7 together.
When we parked our asses outside to burn under the great fireball in the sky, we started noticing this rumble, like an engine? But not really an engine. But possibly a quiet engine. As we sat there looking at each other with this questioning, Picasso kind of look at each other, (Okay, that was just me because I have light sensitivity and I squint a lot outside.) I don’t remember which one of us decided to actually turn around and look behind us. Maybe it was a joint effort, like our minds have intertwined into one. Or simply because that noise got louder… Regardless, when we did there, zooming across the river at the rate of a snail was a barge! They’re quite impressive up close and personal, and soon this became hub’s hobby: bargespotter.
Speaking of spotters, not that either of us are actually trainspotters, but I think we became trainhearers, considering this bloody train would fly over the tracks, a lot faster than the barge, blaring its horn in the middle of the night when people, (me) were trying to sleep. It got to the point where I knew what time it was because of this train. 1 a.m. 4 a.m. and so forth… I’d even wake up all excited to hear it. You know the kind of excitement I mean, the trembling, curled in tight ball in the corner, rocking back and forth while muttering, the train is coming, the train is coming, to yourself. Oh, and can’t forget the new look I was sporting, wild hair and bloodshot eyes.
Ah, those were the days.
We were all set to leave this place, totally sad, of course, because of all the fun we’d had, but thankfully, Walmart came to save the day by messing around with our medication. Yay! Thank you, Walmart! We could stay another two days at least.
Why didn’t we stay longer? Well, Labor Day weekend was coming up fast and all the sites were booked, the only open slot was a site two spots away for two nights. We figured after this we’d spend Labor Day weekend in Walmart car park until they decided to fork over the meds. While families get together to enjoy a BBQ, we’d be screaming at the Walmartian employees to get their act together. Wouldn’t that be exciting, boys and girls?
Oh, bit of good fortune fell upon me. I found my missing pages to my book! I could now stop pulling my hair out and crying myself to sleep. I was all revved up to sit and stare at a blank screen as I wrote absolutely nothing.
I’ve become pretty good at this. I like to call it *Bleep* this *bleeping bleep* you *bleeping bleep bleep bleeper*
Until next time!