Traveling across America without killing each other

Welcome to Indiana!

Tuesday 24th August 2021
Did you know, to reach Indiana, you first have to enter the gates of hell and then head west?
We’ve been to the south. We love the south. But not in the middle of August when the sun melts through your car and peels your skin off. Oh, and we had planned to go west! But the great Google God decided we had to visit Kentucky first… apparently…
Lexington looks great whizzing past at 70 mph. Thanks for that, Google maps. The sights we’d miss without you. 

What’s the first thing you expect to see as you cross the border into Indiana? A welcome sign? A cloud flipping you off? 

Maybe it’s because we came in through the arse end of Indiana, and it was actually screaming Wrong hole! Wrong hole! 

I spent the remainder of our drive singing the Indiana Jones theme. Hubs really loved that! 

It turns out Deem Lake isn’t that far from the border, where the locals all have a southern accent and I’d happily listen to them talk all day. Oh, have the tables have turned. The Brit telling the American they have a cute accent. 
Deem Lake, actually a whooping 67,000 acres of forest next to a lake, where no one can hear you scream. Or at least at that time of the year because there weren’t any other campers in our section of the woods.
It was a little creepy here, reminding me of every horror film I’ve watched involving forests. (Camper Fever, Camper in the Woods…) Worst-case scenario, hubs turns into a raging psychopath yeilding the TV remote to bludgeon me to death.

A mile in, it took a bit of detective work deciphering the map to find our spot. Thankfully, hubs had one of those decoder rings kids from way back when could fish out of a cereal box. (Remember those days? Spending hours in the cereal aisle looking for the best free toy rather than what type of cereal you’d actually eat.)
We then sat there for a while looking at our site, wondering how to level the camper on an 80-degree pitch. Would we even have enough blocks to jack the backend up? Would the breaks fail, and we’d find ourselves in the lake come morning? Was this some kind of joke played on the Yankees since every other vacant spot was somewhat level? I mean, why put us here where our camper could become a contortionist?
I expected to hear a fit of giggles on the other end of the line when hubs called the office. Instead, they told us to pick any site and let them know which one we’re in.

A loud thud on the windscreen caught my attention and I just about shit myself when I saw the behemoth sitting there, it’s beady black eyes boring into my soul. Saliva dripped from its fangs as it licked its lips.
“What the hell is that?” I screeched. 
“Oh, just a horsefly,” hubs replied casually. “It’s a little bigger than the ones we have in New York.”
Just a little bigger? This thing was the size of a grapefruit!
“Okay, hop out and direct me in,” he said.
I laughed weakly as all the blood drained to my feet. Revised worst-case scenario, I’d be eaten by the Jurassic bugs, not a shred of evidence to be found.
“Can I borrow your shotgun, please?” I practically whispered, my voice had hidden itself somewhere down my throat. “I know I don’t know how to use it, but I need something to protect myself.”
It was in that moment that I saw more pride flash behind his eyes. The Brit, who is terrified of guns, now honouring the second amendment.
After a quick crash course, he shoved me out of the truck, slamming the door behind him. “You’ve got this!” his muffled words bled through the window as he grinned proudly at me.
The next few minutes where a blur. A loud humming, like a helicopters propellers, my hair blowing back as this thing, with his gigantic wings flew right at me. I screamed and squeezed my eyes shut, waving the shotgun around like a baseball bat.
I sent that thing flying (no pun intended) never to be seen again.
I don’t think we’ve ever set up camp that quickly before or would ever again.

Staying at Deem Lake is like living in a greenhouse. Heat and humidity = my hair becoming an afro. The sound of cicadas rattled around us, a bagillion rain sticks drowning out all other noises forcing us to use sign language, which is just us waving our hands around as we yell at each other.
The boys didn’t care. This was their first opportunity to run naked and free around the forest, sniffing and peeing on everything.
Have you tried taking a photo of a dog doing a million mph? It looks like this…

Inside our camper, our fridge had exploded. It looked like the scene from the Exorcist as our fridge continued to vomit food everywhere.
We just stood there, a bit gormless, just watching. Exhaustion and hunger took precedence over everything else and I don’t think either of us actually cared that there was this huge mess to clean up.
Until somehow, the scene managed to seep through the fog of sleep, and I threw a full on hissy fit. Face down, pounding my fists and feet into the floor while demanding we get a cool box.
“Tomorrow,” hubs promised. “But I’m starving and need pizza.”
After throwing the food back in the fridge, yes, THROWING it back in the fridge, we left for pizza.

Now, before we left New York, we had been warned that pizza anywhere else just isn’t the same. But I don’t think either of us tasted that pizza. We wolfed it down so fast it didn’t touch the sides. 
With full bellies, the camper floor sticky from food explosion, we passed out.

Until next time!
Much love, 

P.S. don’t forget to subscribe to my blog if you want more nonsense like this in your inbox!

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